


Growing Pains

by Jasker



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Violence, Cunnilingus, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Sex, Self-Harm, Vaginal Fingering, seriously though please please take these warnings seriously, we've got it all!! lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-13
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-02-19 04:36:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22238662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jasker/pseuds/Jasker
Summary: After a particularly brutal battle with Pearl, Jasper discovers she has a disturbing propensity for pain. She struggles with this unscratchable itch, and isn't sure exactly how to deal with it. Perhaps a new visitor at her cave can help her sort things out.
Relationships: Jasper/Pearl (Steven Universe)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 76





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *** WARNING: this fic has very graphic depictions of self-harm (specifically cutting) and touches on suicide ideation. do NOT read this fic if you are sensitive to or triggered by those things. ***
> 
> that being said, self-harm is something that i have struggled with for many years, and i find there to be a huge gap in conversation about it. it can be isolating never hearing about other people's struggles with it, so i wanted to share a part of myself through this fic in the hopes it might offer someone comfort and help them feel less alone. a lot of it is things i have personally done and dealt with, and things i have overcome! 
> 
> i wrote all of this on-and-off for a while, but hadn't actually posted it until now LOL. split into 3 chapters for easy reading! this fic def gets very dark and may be upsetting, but i can assure you there is a happy (and sexy) ending, full of hope for the future! please take care reading this, and i hope you all enjoy ♥

It hurt so much more than she expected. The shimmering, icy blade of the spear tore into her thigh and stole the breath from her lungs. Another gash, this time down her bicep and across her stomach. She managed to reel back enough to only get her forehead knicked before the blunt end of the spear pole smashed into her jaw and sent her tumbling backward into a tree at the edge of her clearing.

Jasper was used to winning fights quickly. Normally she dove in head first and the raw power of her muscles did the work for her, but Pearl was different. Pearl dragged things out. She danced across the battlefield like a butterfly in the breeze. Always just out of reach with a leap and twirl. A maddening game of cat and mouse. She landed a jab here and there and kept her opponent chasing until they got sloppy and tired, then went in for her kill.

Jagged tree bark dug into Jasper’s back and her vision swam as she tried to regain her bearings. She thought Pearl would accept her win and fall back, but instead a ruthless kick to the gut made Jasper’s knees give out. Dirt and the rough sole of Pearl’s shoe aggravated the open wound on her stomach and she slid to the ground with a thud. All of Jasper’s body felt strained, overworked, weak. Her legs shook when she tried to lift herself back up. 

Hot blood oozed from the lacerations torn into her body, dripping down her arm, soaking through her uniform, making its way down her face and caking her eyelashes together. She wanted to wipe it from her eye but she couldn’t make her arm move. Shaky panting turned into breathless laughter. Everything hurt so much more than she expected, and it was so _good_. 

A deluded sense of pleasure curled in her gut and she couldn’t get control of her breath. Her hand shot up by instinct and caught the spear headed toward her chest by the blade. It cut deep into her palm and another wave of twisted delight made her stomach writhe in some strange anticipation. She switched her grip to snatch Pearl’s wrist instead and pulled her forward to press the tip of the blade to her throat. 

A crooked smile spread across her face and her voice cracked as she giggled again. “Do it. Come on Pearl, do it, _do it!_ ”

The spear vanished with a shimmer and the blood coating Jasper’s hand made it too slippery for her to keep Pearl from jerking her hand away. The grin slipped off her face as Pearl stared at her with wide eyes. 

What was it? Revulsion? Pity? Disgust? Pearl held the hand smeared in Jasper’s coppery blood away from herself, but nothing else gave her true feelings away. A familiar shame crept in as the adrenaline of the fight wore off. From her vulnerability, anger boiled up. It took all Jasper had to make herself stand up tall, chest puffed out and shoulders back. 

“Coward,” she spat.

Jasper was grateful when Pearl took a few steps back, then darted into the forest and out of sight. She didn’t know how long she could have stood like that, because the moment Pearl was out of the clearing, she fell to her knees with a huff. 

Dirt and sweat clung to her skin, and spilled blood filled the air with a metallic taste. It was all disgusting and dirty and she wanted to go to the river nearby to wash off, but she was so tired. Exhaustion won and Jasper flopped onto her back and closed her eyes. She hated to admit it, but sleep always made her heal faster. 

It felt like she had only laid down for a few seconds, but when she opened her eyes again there was just a thin sliver of sun left on the horizon. Jasper lifted her arms up then swung them back down, using the momentum to sit upright. 

She examined her stomach first. Just a pale scar left that would disappear before morning, the frayed fabric around it dried and dirty. The cuts on her palm and fingers from catching Pearl’s spear had scabbed over, but were still sore and uncomfortable to move. She hesitated to look at the last one, because she knew it would be the worst. 

With great care, she sat on one leg and stretched the other out to investigate where her left thigh got hit. Some blood still oozed out, but what really made it bad was the fabric that stuck to what was trying to knit back together. A shaky sigh left her lips and she closed her eyes, nails digging into the skin around the wound. She knew what she had to do. 

As she slowly made her way to the river that ran through the forest, she noted that most of her muscle aches and bruises had calmed significantly. There was an itch at her cheek and when she went to scratch it, a gratuitous amount of dried blood flaked off. Jasper’s lip curled in disgust and she let out an irritated sigh. She couldn’t be clean fast enough. 

Jasper was pleased to find that the river was just deep enough for her to be fully submerged while sitting. Glacial water coursed around her, rushing past her ears and chilling her to the bone. Her hair flowed around her head and tugged at her scalp as the current pulled it downstream, all the sweat and filth of the battle washing away. She looked down at her thigh and bit the inside of her cheek. 

The bleeding had almost stopped, but she knew she would have to tear it back open for it to heal properly without anything stuck in the way. She used both hands to grip the cloth near it, then ripped a large strip of fabric off in one sharp motion. 

The puncture in her thigh split and immediately began to bleed heavily again, making Jasper choke on a lungful of water as fresh pain lanced through her. She jumped up on her good leg and leaned on a rock nearby, coughing up water and gasping for air. 

Her hips were still partly submerged and when she tilted them to take a look at her thigh once more, she realized a new deep, thin line was bleeding below the original wound. She stared at it, confused as to how it got there, until she realized it was from the claw on one of her corrupted fingers. 

It seemed like there was no way it could have done that, the few claws she had weren’t _that_ long. She touched the bare skin of her thigh above the other two cuts with her half corrupted hand. One claw dug in, as if testing how strong her skin was. 

A little deeper, a little droplet of blood. Slowly, curiously, Jasper dragged the claw over her thigh and left another thin, bleeding line. 

It stung a little, but there was also something else. Something about it sent an odd wave of calm over her. She hadn’t even realized she was so tense until her shoulders slumped and her jaw unclenched. Where a raging fire normally blazed was nothing but quiet embers. 

It was disturbing, but also fascinating. She carved more and more little lines, making criss crosses and strange patterns, and every time a wave splashed across her hips the blood would wash away for a moment and start flowing again. 

When Jasper used her other hand to reach for the top of the torn fabric and expose more unmarred skin, something made her stop. Some part of her brain finally kicked in and screamed, _What are you doing!_ Her throat suddenly felt tight and her cheeks were hot. A devastating wave of guilt and self-loathing crashed over her stronger than any of the freezing rapids. 

Why had she done that? Why had it made her feel so calm, so _good_? She couldn’t stand to look at her mutilated leg anymore, so she tore all the soiled bits of uniform off and reformed patches of new fabric. 

She could have formed an entirely new one, sure, but it would have been a waste of energy. Or perhaps she felt she didn’t deserve a fresh, clean one. Jasper shook the thought from her head and headed back to her den. 

Often Jasper preferred to lay outside at the top of her cave and look at the sky, but today she took her outdoor blanket into her den, swatting the tarps aside to toss it on her pile. By no means had she created the small hoard of blankets within on her own, but if someone happened to give her one it would be stupid to throw it away. So she flopped onto her blankets and rolled in them until she was sufficiently covered. 

With nothing else occupying her time, her thoughts wandered. She thought of how Pearl had only visited to tell Jasper off for her stubbornness after all of Steven’s efforts, and not to waste his time. She thought about how she couldn’t keep her stupid mouth shut and made some snide remark about her being a pearl, which devolved into another fight. She thought about how she always made cruel jabs at gems without even meaning what she said, but the words just came out as if she was programmed to say them. 

She thought about how she loved to fight and it made her feel excited and alive, but also how she didn’t want to, not like that. She wanted to fight good fights, but they always ended up ugly and meaningless. 

She thought about her embarrassment, her pitiful display when Pearl had her cornered. Her face flushed hot and tears of frustration prickled at her eyes. Too many feelings swarmed in her head, her chest, her gut, it was overwhelming and she couldn’t take it. 

Then Jasper remembered that strange calm in the river. She sat up and tossed all the blankets off her. One clawed finger rested against her opposite forearm, and she stared at it, her mind both blank and a cacophony of protests. 

She knew it would help. It would settle her down. Nobody liked that she was so angry, it was a flaw of hers. She probably deserved a bit of pain, too. No one would say it, but all she was to them was a burden. 

She was useless and useless gems don’t get to live freely, but they were all too soft to do anything about her. The claw dug in a little deeper. Maybe she could whittle herself away little by little until one day she was just gone…

Quiet shuffling in the brush past her clearing made Jasper snap to attention, leaving all the disorganized thoughts behind. She prowled to the opening of her tarps and peered out, yellow eyes glowing in the dark. 

A small figure appeared at the edge of the forest, headed right toward her. It didn’t take long for her to realize it was Pearl, but she wasn’t in her normal jeans and jacket. She had some ugly, loose mustard colored sweater and black leggings. Jasper considered using a little energy to shift on fresh eyeliner before she came out to meet her, but with the way Pearl was dressed it clearly wasn’t necessary to impress. 

She took a breath and strode out of her cave confidently, leaning against the outer rock wall. “What do you want?” 

Pearl stopped several feet from her and tucked her hands into her sleeves. “I think I should be the one asking that question,” she said, matter-of-fact. 

Jasper lifted a brow and shrugged vaguely. “I like to fight.” 

“Yes, but you don’t like to lose.” 

Nails dug into the fading scars of her palm as Jasper tried to keep cool. She turned her head away and shrugged again. Her stomach was in knots for the third time that day and all she wanted was to curl up in her blankets and sleep for a week. 

There was a slight rustle as Pearl approached, and Jasper could see a trident twirl into existence from the corner of her eye. She wasn’t even going to dignify it with a response until she found her neck locked in place by two prongs of the trident against the rock. 

It would have been easy to yank the weapon out and snap it, but all she did was look down at Pearl apathetically. 

“Ohh, good job, the little rebel pearl w—“ 

Her words caught in her throat as Pearl’s hands found their way to her waist. Slender fingers pressed into her soft belly, finding the hard muscle beneath. A funny feeling leapt inside her, and her heart pounded against her ribs. 

“What are you doing?” she growled, but made no move to stop her. 

“Well here’s what I think,” Pearl started as her fingers spread over Jasper’s hips. “I think you have a _thing_ for pain, and you don’t know how to satisfy it.” Her fingers trailed back up and inched toward Jasper’s chest. “And I think some of your frustration comes from that, so you lash out and get into fights to get the pain you crave.” 

Jasper stared at her, unmoving. She thought about everything that had happened that day—the spear, her claws, her thigh. Maybe Pearl was right. 

“That’s dumb.” She couldn’t make herself deny it. 

“No, it’s not,” Pearl said as she took a step back and folded her hands together, a mischievous smile at her lips. “There’s just better ways of getting what you want.” 

Quicker than Jasper had time to think about what that meant, Pearl pried the trident out of the stone, grabbed Jasper’s wrist and used a shocking amount of strength to pull her away from the wall and swing her back into her den. 

She landed hard on her back and the wind was knocked out of her. Pearl was on her in a second, smashing her lips against Jasper’s. Sparks of electricity crackled up her spine and she made a little noise as Pearl used a hand to push down on Jasper’s chin and twined their tongues together. She panted into Pearl’s mouth and dug her nails into the dirt, unsure what to do with her hands. 

Jasper knew what kissing was, but she’d always thought it was kind of gross and a waste of time. Now as spindly fingers wove through her hair, a warm body pressed flush against hers, a new and exciting tingle raced from her fingertips to her toes, she knew it was anything but. 

One of the hands in her hair turned rough, grabbing a handful and yanking her head to the ground. A new feeling leapt in Jasper’s stomach and she gasped, opening her eyes to look at Pearl. 

A lurid smile spread across Pearl’s face as a swirled dagger materialized in her hand. She sliced one of Jasper’s uniform straps and raised an eyebrow suggestively. 

Jasper knew what sex was, too, and she knew that was what came after kissing like that sometimes. She realized she didn’t like the new feeling twisting in her belly. Something was off. It was making her panic, nothing like how she felt when they kissed. 

That dagger was close to her throat. Wasn’t that what she wanted? She froze under Pearl, her breath shallow. Why wasn’t this what she wanted? The smile faded from Pearl’s face and she was looking too deep into Jasper’s eyes. 

“Oh, dear,” she said. “This isn’t what you wanted, is it?” 

Jasper stared back at Pearl. “I don’t know.” Her voice came out a weak whisper and she hated herself for it. 

It was supposed to be what she wanted. 

“What’s wrong with me?” The words tumbled out of Jasper’s mouth in a moment of weakness. As much as she told herself she wish she hadn’t let them slip, somewhere deep down she was glad someone heard them. 

Pearls mouth pressed into a thin line and her brows knitted. “Oh, Jasper,” she murmured. “Nothing at all, and so many things.” 

No one had ever said her name like that. A little warm feeling fluttered in her chest that reminded her of how it felt when they’d kissed, when gentle hands were in her hair. It was embarrassing and she wanted to squash it down, but it also felt nice. It felt nicer than she deserved.

Pearl sat up and gave Jasper’s arm a pat. “I should give you some space,” she said as she stood and dusted her knees off. 

Jasper pushed herself up and stared at the floor. She didn’t really want her to go, but she didn’t feel like she had a right to ask her to stay. What would she even do if Pearl stayed? There was something Jasper wanted back, something she craved after all of that, but she didn’t know what. It frustrated her and she gritted her teeth. She didn’t have a right to want _anything_.

Pearl made her way to the tarp curtains and paused. “Do you… do you want to try again sometime? But different, of course.” 

Jasper’s head whipped up in surprise. Moonlight dusted Pearl’s hair and eyes and gem, and there was an innocent turquoise tint to her cheeks. That ill-fitting sweater suddenly made her look so soft and fragile. 

“Okay,” she blurted out. 

Pearl smiled, then disappeared without another word. 

The next day Jasper spent most of her time pacing in front of her cave. She softened her footsteps against the dirt to make sure she could hear if anyone was approaching, but no one came. It had only been one night, she was probably just being impatient. 

The day after that, she made herself take a walk around the perimeter of her clearing. She half-heartedly picked at grass and weeds that had started creeping back into her space, but her mind was elsewhere. She began to wonder if Pearl had just said what she did because she felt sorry for Jasper and didn’t ever plan on coming back. Two days wasn’t really all that long, though. 

Another day passed and Jasper sat at the top of her cave, staring into the forest. Her nails dug into her palms as muddy, selfish feelings churned inside her. She could just go out and find Pearl herself. She was very good at tracking gems, it wouldn’t be hard. She could find her and tell her how horrible it was to pretend to like someone and lie about coming to visit. 

But if she did that, Pearl would know Jasper was hoping she would come back. She would know how much it meant and how much it hurt, and then Jasper would look like a weak, soft hearted fool. 

She _was_ though, wasn’t she? 

Before Jasper even registered what she’d been doing, she looked down to find red welts on her arm from her nails. She stared at them. What difference would a little more make? 

One claw, once again, carved into her skin over and over and over. It felt right. Side to side, up the soft skin of her inner forearm. When there was no more room, she watched the blood trickle down and fall onto the fabric of her pants. It was both fascinating and boring. She sat and watched it blandly, noting when the skin began to tighten and scab over as it knitted itself back together. 

The blood dried and started to itch. She brushed it off with light scratches and briefly considered digging back in again, but even that seemed pointless for some reason. Shouldn’t she feel sad or angry or upset? What was the purpose of all this? She didn’t feel anything. She wanted to, but she just couldn’t. 

“Hello? Jasper?”

The voice calling her name slammed her back into reality with the force of an entire ocean. Panic flooded her senses and her heart raced as she clutched her mangled arm to her chest. 

How had she not noticed someone was there? Her hands trembled, her fingers cold. She had been so distracted, she didn’t hear anyone coming until it was too late. Her breathing was quick and shallow and she felt light-headed. What was she going to say? There was nothing she could do to hide it, not without being way too suspicious.

“ _What?_ ” she snapped. 

Why did she say that? Now they _knew_ she was there. She cursed herself for announcing her presence instead of just making a run for it. She held her arm tight and clenched her teeth, waiting.

“It’s me- er, it’s Pearl,” the voice called again. 

Oh, so she finally decided to show up? If Jasper hadn’t had ice in her veins from the sheer terror of being caught in her gruesome new habit, she would have scoffed. She stayed frozen and silent, listening for any indication Pearl might be moving toward her. 

“I’m sorry it took me so long to come see you again,” Pearl said. She sounded sincere. “Steven really needed my help with a few things that ended up taking longer than expected. I didn’t forget.” 

A strange feeling welled up in Jasper and made her want to cry. She _never_ cried. She curled in on herself and bit her finger to try and control herself. What was wrong with her? She wished she could just be angry instead. Anger was easier. 

“... Is everything okay? Can I come up there?” Pearl asked. Her voice was a little closer now and every fiber of Jasper’s being screamed at her to run, yet there she stayed, rooted in place. 

Pearl couldn’t find out. No one could find out. She knew it was bad. She knew _she_ was bad. 

“Tomorrow,” Jasper grumbled. She didn’t like how her voice sounded. 

There was a stretch of silence. Jasper didn’t move, and neither did Pearl. 

Then, quietly, “Alright. I’ll come back tomorrow.” 

There was a quiet shuffle, the sound of footsteps walking away, and Jasper was alone again. She eventually lowered her arm and surveyed the damage. Deep scarlet cuts made her arm look like it had been mauled by an animal, except it was too precise. Too straight, too parallel, too intentional. She tucked her arm against her stomach and squeezed her eyes shut tight. They should be gone by tomorrow. 

Late into the night, Jasper finally got up and jumped down from the top of her cave. As soon as she landed she noticed something just at the edge of her den. 

A neatly folded square of fabric. When she picked it up she noticed it was actually made of many smaller squares of fabric sewn together. Each one was different, some with stitched flowers, some with stripes and checkers, others just different solid colors. 

It was soft, clean, pretty. Jasper really liked it. So why was it making her upset? It felt like by just touching it she was ruining it somehow. She brought it into her den and gently set it to the side of her existing pile, leaving it perfectly folded. She flopped over into her mess of blankets and took just the edge of her tidy new blanket between her fingers. 

She didn’t want to mess it up.


	2. Chapter 2

Jasper didn’t even realize she’d fallen asleep until her eyes snapped open at the sound of Pearl’s voice in her den. 

She scrambled up to a sitting position and blurted out, “You’re suppose’ta be back tomorrow.” 

When her eyes finally focused enough to see Pearl’s form, she saw her stifle a smile with the back of a hand. 

“It _is_ tomorrow.” Pearl paused and fidgeted with the edge of the tarp she was holding open. 

Jasper stared at her and Pearl stared back. This was a bad idea. She should have told Pearl not to come back. 

“Uh-”

“So-”

They both clamped their mouths shut again and waited for the other to continue. Jasper felt her cheeks heat up. Why was this so difficult? She was just a pearl. 

Somewhere in the back of her mind Jasper scolded herself for that thought. She knew that wasn’t true. 

“Well, I’m glad to see you like the quilt,” Pearl offered. 

“The what?” Jasper had no idea what Pearl was talking about and was getting increasingly frustrated by how hard all of this was. 

“The- ah the quilt, the blanket I left for you.” 

Jasper raised an eyebrow and glanced to where she had left it nicely folded only to find that it was no longer there. Just as she turned her head to figure out where it had gone, it tumbled off her head into her lap.

“Uh,” she said.

The back of her neck felt hot and prickly, and she glared at the very unfolded blanket piled up in her lap. If gems could poof from sheer embarrassment, she was sure she would have. 

“Um, well, it’s very dark in there. Should I come in or…?” Pearl shuffled her feet and glanced around the cave, taking in the “decor” as Steven called it. 

Jasper felt like a young quartz again, being inspected by a group of aloof peridots looking down their noses at her. She frowned and stood up to her full height, then strode out of her den past Pearl. She wasn’t doing anything wrong and there was nothing wrong with her cave. Pearl had no reason to judge. 

“Oh, good, okay,” Pearl said, repositioning herself in front of Jasper. “I was thinking maybe we could play a game? It would be much easier in the light, too, so—”

Pearl started to ramble. It might have been annoying, but Jasper was mostly relieved she didn’t have to supply any conversation. Bright blue holograms of unfamiliar Earth items appeared as Pearl described each one: paper rectangles with symbols and numbers on them, patterned boards with little figures dashing across, wooden blocks stacked up and tumbling down. Jasper wasn’t really listening until the picture changed to something she _was_ familiar with.

“Wait,” Jasper said.

She stared at the flickering image in the hologram, stunned. It was a quartz cube—a dangerous and challenging puzzle that required at least two gems to solve. Centuries ago, Homeworld handed them out to their troops to try and help build teamwork skills. The cubes had a self-detonate function to incentivize quick and efficient work, but ultimately quartzes ended up purposely making them explode to prank each other. The ones that hadn’t been destroyed were taken and supposedly repurposed. 

“You don’t actually have one of those, do you?” Jasper asked. 

Pearl beamed and materialized the cube from her gem with a shimmer of light. 

“I do!” she said proudly. “I managed to save a few when they were recalled.” 

A smile spread across Jasper’s face as she took the cube from the air in front of her. It was bigger and heavier than she remembered, enough that she had to hold it with both hands. She almost started it without thinking, then paused. 

“Wait, do you actually know how to do this?” she asked skeptically. 

Pearl scoffed and snatched the cube from Jasper’s hands, twisted it harshly along the center axis, and initiated the game. “Oh, please. This used to be one of Rose’s favorite games. I hope you’re at least better at it than she was, because I had to tell her what to do almost every turn.”

Jasper couldn’t help the dorky giggle that escaped as Pearl passed her the cube. “Y’know this is extra dangerous because we both have face gems,” she said with a small quirk to one of the corners as her move. She sat criss-cross on the ground and nodded to the spot in front of her.

“What fun would it be without a little risk?” Pearl grinned as she sat on her knees, spun the parallel corner, and passed it back. 

Jasper dragged her finger across the middle of the top face and it caved inward. Pearl slid her thumb and index finger together along the opposite face, pulling it outward. They passed it back and forth in a comfortable, focused quiet. Twist one side, then fold the other. Push one corner in, then pry out another. Each time Jasper passed it to Pearl, Pearl knew exactly what move Jasper had set up for her. Each time Pearl passed it back, she knew just what she was supposed to do next.

The inner workings of the cube began to glow softly to indicate they were running out of time. Jasper smirked and handed it back to Pearl. 

“We’ve got this,” she said confidently. 

Pearl held the cube in her hands and glanced up at Jasper with a sly look. With a light flick at the wrong end of the cube, the glow intensified and a different side bulged out. 

“Oops.” 

Jasper took the cube back from her and frowned. She flicked the opposite end to fix the mistake and hesitantly handed it back. Pearl did the next turn correct, and the one after. The glow dimmed but didn’t disappear, still showing their time limit.

Then Pearl handed her the cube once more, but this time she offered it facing an odd way. Jasper looked at her mystified, but Pearl just kept her eyes on the cube. Jasper’s instinct was to twist it forward, but that was the wrong move. She bit her lip and stared at it. They could probably solve it in four turns, but there was something about the way Pearl handed it to her. She knew it was what she was supposed to do. 

She clucked her tongue and twisted it forward on the center axis, shaking her head as she passed it back to Pearl. 

Pearl’s eyes shone and she wiggled in delight as she took it. “Oh, darn, and we were so close,” she said, all too pleased.

Jasper chuckled and watched as Pearl made a neutral move, not correcting the mistake and not making it worse. She took the cube back, once again facing an odd direction, and flipped a corner the wrong way. 

“I guess I must be a little rusty.” Jasper gave Pearl a crooked grin as she played along. As the game became more dangerous, her heart sped up and her fingertips tingled with adrenaline. 

The internal light grew brighter as they made mistakes and took neutral turns as they were offered. They both had goofy smiles as they played, until eventually Pearl held it in her hands and hesitated. 

“Um,” she started. “Actually, I don’t know if we can fix this.” 

Jasper was so caught up in their game, she hadn’t noticed that the cube had gotten so agitated it vibrated and crunched internally at every minute shift. She tried to work it out in her head—how many turns it would take to fix it and how much time they had left if they made every move correct. 

“Shit.”

They looked at each other over the cube and knew they were far past the point of no return.

Then out of nowhere, Pearl burst out laughing. “Oh, Jasper,” she said. “I haven’t had this much fun in ages! What are we going to do?” 

No matter what move Pearl made, it was eventually going to set the cube off and they were going to get a face full of shrapnel. Jasper narrowed her eyes and leaned forward, tapping a finger against her knee. 

“I have an idea,” she murmured. “C’mere.”

Her breath caught as Pearl scooted closer. Maybe it was the adrenaline coursing through her veins or the imminent threat of being cracked, but something warm bloomed in Jasper’s chest and made her feel truly strong for the first time in a long time. 

She seized the cube from Pearl’s hands, twisted it as far the wrong way as she could, and threw it into the air with all her might. Without waiting a moment longer, she scooped Pearl into her arms, arched over her, and hardened her hair into a protective shield as she would for a spin dash.

After what seemed like an eternity and a split second, a wave of scorching heat burst in the air and sent deadly shards of gem tech every which way. Jasper gritted her teeth and pressed her forehead to the ground as debris embedded in her hair and rained down around her. Being in such a defensive state was oddly familiar. It felt almost... natural. 

A shaky breath at her neck reminded Jasper that someone was still in her arms. As the aftershock of the explosion faded, two small hands moved against her collarbone. She realized she was probably holding her too tight, and then it hit her that she was _holding Pearl._

Jasper jolted upright and let Pearl go, her hands raised in surrender. She opened her mouth to apologize, but when she saw the way Pearl looked at her she couldn’t. 

The sky and sea colliding in a great tidal wave, sharing the starlight of distant galaxies at the break of dawn—all in the soft blue eyes gazing up at her. Pearl looked at Jasper as if she had just changed the universe, as if she had pulled taut the threads of fate that only loosely connected them until just a moment before. 

Just as when they had worked on the puzzle together, Jasper knew what she was supposed to do. She knew what Pearl was asking without a single word.

A kiss. 

Jasper wanted to lean down, to feel the warmth of Pearl’s skin next to her’s, to create white hot sparks between them like the first time they kissed. She wanted to do so many things she’d never imagined doing before, not ever with anyone. 

Amidst the whirlwind of new feelings, a seed of doubt sprouted. No one could possibly feel that way about Jasper. Not after everything she’s done, after everything she was and came to be. An ugly, scarred, beta soldier from Earth, sullied by her own pathetic desperation, useless in this era and the last, stubborn and bitter and hiding from the world. 

The stars in Pearl’s eyes disagreed, but the rotten part of Jasper’s heart couldn’t let her forget all the things she hated about herself. 

She lowered her eyes and bit the inside of her cheek with a quiet, “Sorry.” 

Pearl sat up and shifted herself to be in Jasper’s line of sight again. She had a kind smile, gentle eyes. 

“Don’t be.” 

So many things were still left unsaid, but Jasper felt like Pearl understood. 

Things were quiet and Jasper felt awkward again. What was she supposed to say after that? She huffed and shook the debris out of her hair, chunks of metal falling to the ground behind her. 

“Well,” Pearl said with a light cough. “I think that ended up being a little more than we bargained for.” 

Jasper flicked a smaller piece of metal toward Pearl as she fully sat down again. “You’re pretty good at a game made for big dumb quartzes.”

She had expected Pearl to appreciate the compliment, but instead got a frown and folded arms. 

“Quartzes are not dumb,” she retorted. “Those puzzles require a lot of quick thinking and strategy. Many of the most clever and innovative gems I’ve ever known are quartzes.”

Jasper was taken aback. “No, I just meant- you’re smart that’s all.” 

A twinge of heat rose to her cheeks, whether from having to outright say the compliment or from Pearl suddenly speaking so highly of quartzes she wasn’t sure. 

“That’s nice of you, but I won’t take any self-deprecating comments along with it.” Pearl shifted and picked at her nails for a moment. “I just- I used to do that to myself a lot. I don’t like anyone thinking less of themselves because of where they’re from or what type of gem they are. Quartzes can be smart and pearls can be strong.” 

“Oh.” Jasper thought about what she said and what it meant for her. Maybe Pearl really _didn’t_ mind some of Jasper’s flaws. It seemed like they should be impossible to overlook and yet….

“So you think gems can just… be anything?” she asked. That wasn’t exactly what she meant, but she couldn’t figure out how to say what she wanted. She scrubbed a hand through her hair, her brows furrowed. “I mean- that we’re not just wired to be one way forever. It just seems stupid to do things you weren’t ever meant to, it’s a waste of time.” 

Jasper wondered for a moment if she was ever good enough at the things she _was_ supposed to do anyway. Really, what was the point of any of it? 

“Well look at me,” Pearl said, striking a proud pose. “I’m a pearl but I kicked your butt the other day! Was all the work I put into learning to fight a waste of time if I can beat someone as tough and big as you?” 

A lopsided smile spread across Jasper’s face and she looked down at her feet. _Tough and big._ She liked that Pearl thought about her that way. 

“Yeah, okay, I get it.” She paused again, and before she could stop her thoughts from pouring out she continued, “What if what I’m supposed to do wasn’t the thing they made me for?” 

A stab of fear made her gut clench and the hairs on the back of her neck raise. That was treason, right? Thinking that her purpose may have never been what she was always taught it to be made her want to brace for the crack of an agate’s whip. 

A thoughtful hum from Pearl made Jasper relax just a fraction. _New era, no agates,_ she reminded herself. Still, even without the looming fear of corporal punishment, even without Homeworld’s expectations, there was an anxiety about the whole thing. 

What did it mean for everything she’d done, everything she worked for, everything she believed in if none of it ever _had_ been her purpose? 

“We were all made by the diamonds to serve them, but the diamonds don’t control the universe and they don’t know what’s meant for real, living things,” Pearl said. “I don’t know if any of us are _supposed_ to do anything. I think we can only find out what feels right to do, and sometimes it takes a really long time to figure it out.” 

Pearl made a funny noise and glanced everywhere but at Jasper. “I- I mean that’s just what I think, I don’t know.” Seafoam green painted her cheeks and she touched a hand to her face. “Goodness, I didn’t mean to get so philosophical,” she laughed. 

She stopped abruptly with a tiny smile and knitted eyebrows. Pearl worried too much. 

Jasper reached a hand out and ruffled Pearl’s hair. It was soft as feathers and ran through her fingers like silk. Pearl was just so small and soft. She liked touching her. 

When she drew her hand back Pearl had that starry-eyed look again that made Jasper feel light and warm. 

“Cute,” Jasper rumbled, mostly to herself. 

Pearl clapped both of her hands over her cheeks and made an “ah!”. She pushed herself up, dusted off her pants, and straightened her jacket. Her hands went to smooth her hair, but halted and dropped back down instead. 

“Oh- I,” she stuttered. “I have to do some house work today and I don’t want to impose- stars, um. Do you want me- er, I mean, would you like to spend time together again soon?” 

“Yeah, okay,” Jasper said. “We can, uh, y’know. You can pick a game next time.” She felt a little bad that the one she picked ended the way it did. 

“Well, it won’t be easy to top a round of quartz cube, that’s for sure.” Pearl fiddled with the hem of her jacket, her smile wide. “That really was a lot of fun.” 

She lingered, fidgeting and glancing around, the toe of her shoe tapping against the dirt. “Um, so….” 

Her cheeks were flushed and she looked nervous. Jasper thought she had to leave, so she didn’t understand why Pearl was still standing there. Jasper stood and dusted herself off, giving her hair another toss to make sure everything was out. Just as she was about to turn, something thwacked into her abdomen and made her stumble back a step. 

She looked down to see the top of Pearl’s head smooshed against her chest and felt arms wrapped tight around her waist. Before Jasper even had a chance to react, Pearl dashed off into the woods yelling a hurried, “Goodbye!” 

Jasper was frozen in shock, her ears burning and her eyes wide. Her arms were still lifted as if to try and catch Pearl and bring her back, though she was long gone. What was _that_? 

The events of the day replayed in Jasper’s head on repeat all that night and the following day. She tried to sort everything out, but found herself in a loop of hopeful optimism and bitter skepticism. 

Pearl wouldn’t have looked at her the way she did if she didn’t feel something, right? She wouldn’t have thrown her arms around Jasper in that odd affectionate gesture. Jasper still couldn’t figure out what that was. She knew about kissing and sex because she’d heard about them and had seen gems kiss a handful of times, but she didn’t know what that thing Pearl did was. It was so gentle. No one touched Jasper like that. 

And then the downward spiral, each time worse than the last. _No one_ touched her like that. Why would Pearl? Maybe there was some hidden meaning behind everything she wasn’t getting. Maybe Pearl felt sorry for her, or maybe she just didn’t know how messed up Jasper was on the inside yet. She sat in the middle of her den, burying herself further and further in every reason it simply couldn’t be.

The spiral made her skin crawl, her fingers itch to dig in. She was repulsed by herself, body and mind. She wanted to do it, just a little, just to calm down. Her fingers hovered over her arm. 

She was lucky the old scars faded before Pearl came back that last morning. It was too risky, Jasper didn’t know when Pearl would be back again. Her hands tangled in her hair and blunt nails raked over her scalp as she tried to figure out what to do. 

Now she _really_ wanted to. Every second she didn’t, she felt angrier and more trapped. This pit went deep and she wanted out. She hated all the festering ugly emotions, she hated herself, she hated that she had to cut but couldn’t. What was she supposed to do with all this baggage? How was she supposed to deal with how damaged she was except to make it a part of her body, even if just for a day? It made it real, and it made it so she could move on.

It finally clicked. Jasper ripped a section of cloth from her pants to expose her right thigh, opposite from the one she hurt the first time. Without hesitation, she dug her claw in, deeper than she ever had before. Blood beaded up and fell down her skin, coppery and hot. Instantly, her body relaxed. Her eyes slid closed and she took a deep breath. All the screaming and anger and shame in her head went silent, just for a moment. 

It wasn’t good. Another cut. It was pathetic. Another. It was shameful. Two more. Every time a new, upsetting thought floated up, she cut it down. After a point, Jasper stopped assigning fresh lines of blood to her faults and just watched it drip down. Why did she do this? Why couldn’t she stop? It really was becoming a habit. 

Tears welled up in her eyes and only made her frustrated. She scrubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands and exhaled sharply through clenched teeth. This was so stupid. She hunched over on herself and grabbed fistfulls of hair. 

It did make it easier for a second. But now she was stuck with her thoughts again and with new wounds to remind her just how weak and pitiful she was. It didn’t put her in an emotionless suspension like the other times. Why? 

A sharp gasp at the entrance of her den made her head snap up. 

“Jasper!” 

Pearl. A hand covered her mouth, and another clutched her chest. 

Panic kicked her instincts into overdrive and sent Jasper into a hostile, feral state. She backed herself against the wall and snarled at Pearl, baring her teeth as a threat. A hand covered her thigh, but blood oozed between her fingertips and splattered to the ground. 

“Don’t. _Don’t_ ,” she warned, raspy and low. 

Pearl squared her shoulders and took a step forward. “Stop it, Jasper. Let go of it. Let me see,” she said firmly. 

Jasper dug her heels into the ground and balled her hand into a fist. Pearl was almost there.

“ _Go away!_ ” she roared. 

Pearl knelt in front of her. Jasper pressed her back to the wall and growled between quick, huffy breaths. A delicate, cool hand rested on her knee. 

“Please,” Pearl whispered. 

Jasper’s eyes flicked between Pearl and the opening of her cave. Her breath was caught in her chest and she couldn’t make herself exhale properly. It almost made her dizzy. 

Finally, she let her head fall back against the wall and looked up at the cracked, rocky ceiling with a humiliating whimper. She slowly stretched her leg out, but didn’t move her hand. Her face burned in shame and she kept her eyes fixed above her. She couldn’t look. 

It was surreal, like a bad dream cautioning her to be more careful. This couldn’t be happening. No one was ever supposed to know. 

Slender fingers wrapped around the bloodied hand that covered her thigh. They paused there briefly, never forceful or rough. Then Jasper let them gently pull her hand away. Pearl kept one hand in Jasper’s as the other ghosted over the skin around her cuts. 

“Oh, Jasper… These are so deep.” She sounded so sad. 

“Don’t- don’t tell anyone,” Jasper muttered. Asking that felt pathetic, but she couldn’t stand anyone else thinking worse of her than they already did. 

Pearl sighed and materialized something out of her gem. “I won’t, but this has to stop.” 

Jasper allowed herself a glance down just in time to see Pearl place a large square of cottony material over the cuts. She flinched and almost pushed her away, but Pearl gave her one stern look and Jasper swallowed and held still. 

A long, gauzy ribbon wrapped all the way around her thigh, across much more of her leg than necessary in Jasper’s opinion. It squeezed slightly where it was bound, and the constant pressure was nice in a way. 

“Sorry,” Jasper said quietly. She was apologizing a lot lately.

Pearl sat next to her against the wall and held her hand, smears of Jasper’s blood tacky and drying on their hands. She was embarrassed, ashamed, upset at herself, but more than anything, she felt _exhausted_. 

“I think I really like you,” Pearl said. 

Jasper’s heart skipped a beat, a moment of joy, then drowned in a sinking, sick feeling. 

“Sorry.” It was all she could think to say. She tried to force down the lump in her throat. 

“Well I’m not.” Pearl wove their fingers together. “When you like someone, it’s really hard to see them in pain. But it’s even harder when they try to hide it.” She squeezed Jasper’s hand and took a wavering breath. “Because then you can’t help.” 

She looked up at Jasper, tears about to spill over. “I want to help.” 

Jasper couldn’t understand. It didn’t make sense. “Why?” she asked, her own voice unsteady.

Pearl let out a single laugh and wiped her eyes with a shaky hand. “Because I like you, you silly thing. Lately it’s like I don’t ever want to leave you alone and then when I have to, I can’t get you out of my mind.” 

She rested her head on Jasper’s arm. Her hair was just as soft as Jasper remembered. The slight lean of Pearl against her arm warmed her from the inside out. 

“You make me crazy, you know that?” Pearl continued, a smile in her voice. “As soon as I see you I don’t know what to do with myself. I haven’t felt like this in a long, long time.” She traced the edge of one of Jasper’s stripes with a finger. “It’s okay if you don’t feel the same, but still, please don’t hurt yourself anymore. I just want you to be happy.” 

Before she knew what was happening, Jasper’s vision blurred and heavy tears fell down her cheeks. It couldn’t be, but it was. She couldn’t deny what Pearl had said so earnestly, sitting right at her side. 

“I think- um,” Jasper’s voice was strained and she cleared her throat. “I think I’m happy when I’m with you.” 

She reached over and mussed Pearl’s hair with her free hand, only partly because she didn’t want Pearl to see her cry. This was all very new and challenging, and she wasn’t comfortable being honest about her feelings. But Jasper had never backed down from a challenge before, and she wasn’t about to start now. 


	3. Chapter 3

“I wanna lay down.” 

Jasper broke a long stretch of quiet, the exhaustion of such an emotional night finally getting to her. 

“Alright,” Pearl replied, giving Jasper’s arm a pat. 

She stood and stretched, raising her arms high above her head and arching her back. 

Jasper tried not to stare, but she couldn’t help tracing Pearl’s outline with her eyes. Now that she knew Pearl liked her and wanted to be with her, unfamiliar feelings rose to the surface. Jasper’s mind conjured up a myriad of images and scenarios that made her all kinds of antsy. 

Her own large hands around Pearl’s waist, fanned across her back. Fingers running through peach hair as they kissed, sharing breath and moving their lips together. Pearl’s mouth against her neck, a shoulder strap pulled down, cool hands sliding up her sides only to stop just below her chest. Pearl could take off Jasper’s uniform, she would let her see, even though she felt nervous. And then…

Jasper realized she didn’t know what happened after that. All she knew about sex was that it usually happened without clothes, there was a lot of touching and weird noises, and something happened between her legs. She frowned trying to imagine what it could be. It wasn’t as if anyone taught her about this—it was strictly forbidden on Homeworld and she never talked to any gems on Earth until now. 

Pearl was a rebel. She had been on Earth for a very long time, always breaking Homeworld’s rules. Jasper bet she knew all about it. 

She wanted to bring it up, but it felt like the wrong time after everything that had just happened. Besides, she _was_ tired and wanted to lay down. 

“Now before I go,” Pearl said, pulling a bright blue ribbon from her gem. She approached Jasper and held out a hand. “Your left hand, please.”

Jasper set her hand in Pearl’s, watching curiously. Pearl promptly tied the ribbon around her wrist with a half-bow and gave it a pat. 

“I don’t want you using those claws for anything but scratching an itch. If you do, you have to take my ribbon off, and I would be very sad if you undid my hard work.”

Jasper inspected the ribbon and turned her arm a few different ways. It was the same color as Pearl’s jacket. It felt silly to wear a bow on her wrist, but there was something about it that she did like. Something that made her feel like it really mattered. 

“Okay,” she agreed. 

Pearl opened her mouth, and then closed it again with a look of surprise. “Oh. Yes, good. Well, then I’ll leave you be and, um…” she paused and wrung her hands a few times, glancing at Jasper and around the den. “Be good, okay?” 

Jasper gave her a small smile and tilted her head. 

And with that, Pearl’s cheeks flushed and she put a hand to her chest, a little puff of air leaving her lips. 

“If I don’t go now I’ll never leave,” Pearl mumbled. She probably hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but it made Jasper smile even wider when she did. 

Once Pearl finally made her way out with a few more backward glances, Jasper rolled onto her blankets with a huge toothy grin. She stuffed blankets into her face and kicked her feet happily. She _really_ liked Pearl. 

A content hum reverberated in her chest and she flipped onto her back, drifting into a dreamless sleep. 

The next day Jasper awoke feeling groggy and out of sorts. When she sat up and rubbed her eyes, she felt something tickle her face. She looked down to see the turquoise ribbon wrapped neatly around her wrist and the bandage on her thigh and everything came rushing back. 

Pearl had _caught her_. Pearl knew about what she’d been doing. 

But she’d also treated her with kindness unlike anything Jasper had ever experienced before. She was firm, but gentle, and held her hand the whole time. Pearl left Jasper with a ribbon because she didn’t want her to hurt herself anymore. Pearl left a ribbon because it mattered to her what happened. 

Jasper couldn’t help but feel guilty. She was a mess, Pearl shouldn’t have to deal with that. Pearl should be with someone that was confident, pretty, understood her own feelings and had experience. Someone who could take care of her and treat her right. Someone who didn’t have a complicated past filled with strife and disastrous mistakes. 

Her fingers twitched. The urge creeped up her arms and made her skin feel too whole, too complete. She wanted to do it. She wanted to tear herself apart so she could heal into something better, someone who might deserve the kindness Pearl gave her. She wanted to shred herself to bits, to tear out everything bad about herself. 

Jasper’s arms moved on their own and her nails pressed into her forearm, but the soft brush of fabric against her palm stopped her. 

The ribbon. 

She could take it off and tell Pearl she’d been weak, face the inevitable disappointment. She could leave it on and lie, pretend that she didn’t do anything and hide the scars. She could run far, far away, leave the ribbon and Pearl behind, live in an undersea cave until the Earth agreed to take back the life energy it gave her in that sandy canyon so many years ago. 

Jasper hated each option more than the last. She didn’t want to let Pearl down, and the thought of lying was even worse. And selfish as it may have been, she didn’t _want_ to go. 

She wanted to do more puzzles and games with Pearl. She wanted to ruffle that short silken hair and see delicate blue color Pearl’s cheeks. She wanted to feel Pearl’s weight against her, to hold hands and kiss and find out a hundred other things she didn’t know about.

For the first time since she was pried from the Earth and fitted for Yellow Diamond’s army, she admitted to herself that she really didn’t want to be alone. 

And maybe, just maybe, instead of being isolated and forced into a color that didn’t fit, she could find a new color that did. 

Jasper shook out her hands and took a deep breath. Pearl was counting on her. She was going to be good. 

She left her cave and did a stretch very much like the one Pearl had the previous night, fingers laced together far above her head, her back arched and letting every vertebrae pop into place at its leisure. As her arms swung back down Jasper glanced at the dark entrance of her cave, covered by the same heavy blue tarps that had been there for years. Maybe it was time for some renovations. 

The rest of that day and the next, Jasper committed to a complete overhaul of her living space. After all, she wasn’t the only one spending time in it anymore. 

First thing first, the tarps came down. She spread one over the ground and dumped her blanket pile onto it so they wouldn’t get dirtier than necessary. Splitting trees and breaking apart rocks was easy, it just took a bit of time. 

What once was a large pile of boulders she had rounded out through training became mostly flat plates of rock. She fitted them together across the floor of the cave, leaving as little dirt exposed as possible. 

Next she dove into the pile of discarded trees from when she first ripped everything up. Jasper stripped smaller branches off and wove them into wide arcs that she arranged into a half circle over the new floor. Arcs stacked up and fitted together to create a low barrier, and she arranged her blankets into an attractive pile within the walls. 

Jasper stood at the entrance of her cave to survey her work and was quite pleased with herself. It wasn’t elegant or particularly tidy, but at the very least it looked comfortable. The tarps still had to go back up to keep out cold weather, but she was okay with that. The inside mattered much more than the outside. 

She folded her arms with a slight frown. What if it looked _too_ comfortable. What if Pearl saw it and thought Jasper had gone all soft and mushy and didn’t like her like that. Her eyes widened as she realized an even worse possibility. What if she saw it and thought Jasper was trying to ask for sex. 

Heat crept up her cheeks and she suddenly felt like tearing the whole thing apart. This had all been a terrible idea, she never should have—

A hand touched the back of her arm made Jasper jump out of her skin. She yelped and whipped around to see Pearl peering into her den from behind her. How did she always sneak up on her? 

“Oh,” Pearl breathed. “Jasper this is beautiful! I never knew you were such an artist.” 

“Uh, I don’t- thanks?” Jasper said. 

Pearl strolled in as if she had been there a thousand times before and leaned over to inspect the criss-crossed and woven wall of branches with an impressed smile. 

“You have quite a knack for architecture, too. These are actually very structurally sound. Do you think you would want more blankets or cushions? I would love to bring you some or even just wash the ones you have so they’re nice and clean.”

“Um, sure, I guess.” This was all a bit overwhelming, but Jasper was at least glad Pearl hadn’t caught on to any hidden meaning. She looked at the pile and suddenly felt self-conscious about it. “Are they gross?” 

“Oh, no! No, I’m sorry I didn’t mean it like that I just,” Pearl stumbled on her words and picked a blanket up to hold it to her chest. “You’ve had these for a long time and you put all that work into your new floor so I thought it might be refreshing, that’s all. And I do like to clean things.” 

“Oh. Yeah, okay.” Jasper was quickly realizing how hard it was to actually say what she meant. She wanted to be better, though, she really did. So she tried to lower the guard on her feelings again. “I guess having more would be okay. The uh- what was- oh, the quilt. Your quilt was nice. And I want you to be comfortable here, too, so...” She trailed off and shrugged vaguely in an attempt to appear less invested than she was. 

Pearl gave her a sly smile that Jasper instantly recognized and made her stomach flip. “Isn’t that thoughtful of you.”

Jasper felt her face get hot. She folded her arms and tried to seem casual as she leaned against the wall with another shrug. Her eyes focused on a spot in the corner of the blankets—she couldn't look at her, it was too much. Jasper saw Pearl take a few steps forward from her peripheral view. 

Cool hands met her skin, gently tugging at her arm to pull it free. Jasper let it be moved, and glanced down to see Pearl run her fingers over the ribbon, then slowly pull it undone. One hand held Jasper’s as the other slid up her wrist along her forearm, sweet cream pouring over hot red tea. The ribbon fell to the floor between them. A shiver traveled from the crown of her head to the tips of her toes.

“Well done, Jasper.” Her voice was almost a whisper, and Pearl looked at her with all the pride and reverence as she would a soldier returning from battle. 

Something in Jasper broke down, fell apart to pieces and blew away in the dust. Her body moved on its own. She took Pearl’s face in her hands and kissed her as if it the stars above were colliding and falling to Earth.

Pearl’s arms wound around her neck and she pressed back with an eagerness that hit Jasper like a spear to the belly.

This was it, _this_ was what she wanted. Her heart thundered as hands tangled into hair, their lips moved together, fingers touched everywhere they could reach. Then they were on the floor and Jasper was on top of Pearl, her hands trembled as they caressed Pearl’s waist, rubbed over the rise of her chest, squeezed narrow hips. 

Jasper’s lips moved to Pearl’s throat and she heard herself make a low purr she’d never made before. Pearl responded with a breathy sigh of her own and gripped the straps of Jasper’s uniform like a lifeline, her thighs open, inviting, pleading. 

A wave of panic hit as Jasper realized for the second time she didn’t know what to do, but it ebbed away as Pearl nuzzled her face against the top of her head and slender ankles hooked around Jasper’s leg. Those slight hips moved in an entrancing way as Pearl pressed and slid herself up and down against Jasper’s thigh. 

Jasper began to understand as she felt a cloying pang between her own thighs. She wrapped a hand around Pearl’s waist and held her tight as she tried grinding her leg up against Pearl. 

A gasp and fingers tightening against her shoulder told Jasper she did the right thing, so she did it again and grazed her teeth over Pearl’s jaw. A tremor made its way through Pearl’s body and she said Jasper’s name like she was the only one who could save her from a life of sweet torture. 

“ _Fuck me_ ,” she begged. 

Jasper groaned and pressed her forehead to Pearl’s gem. 

“You have to help me,” she said. “I don’t know how.” 

A breathless giggle tumbled from Pearl’s lips and Jasper’s face flushed hotter. “Hey, c’mon, how am I supposed to know?” 

“No, it’s not that,” Pearl said, gazing up at her affectionately. “You’re just very cute.”

Jasper opened her mouth to protest, but choked on her words as Pearl’s clothes disappeared in a burst of light. All at once her glorious form was exposed, unhindered by layers of fabric. Jasper leaned up both because she wanted to see all of Pearl all at once, and because she felt like she shouldn’t touch. 

“Wow,” she murmured. 

Beautiful, snowy expanses of perfect, unmarred skin with undertones of the sea. She almost looked taller this way, lean lines and slight curves uninterrupted and stretched out. There was a moment where Jasper felt like she had with the quilt—Pearl was so clean, soft, pretty. What if Jasper was too scarred and damaged and messy, what if she wasn’t good enough and ruined it? 

But long, elegant fingers wrapped around her wrist and pulled her hand onto Pearl’s stomach, urging her to touch. Jasper let her palm dip into the bend of Pearl’s waist, then drag up to her chest. Her thumb grazed over the soft blue bud at the peak of Pearl’s breast, and she bit her lip at Pearl’s encouraging hum. 

Something in her mind shifted into place and Jasper did what came naturally. She leaned down to catch the opposite in her mouth, her tongue pressing against it, sliding over the top, twirling around it in circles. When she closed her mouth around it and sucked, Pearl arched into her with a sultry, wavering moan.

She rolled and pinched one nipple between her fingers while she gave the other attention with her mouth, relishing how Pearl squirmed under her and couldn’t catch her breath. The ache between her own thighs reminded her that Pearl was surely waiting for something down there. Jasper pressed the flat of her tongue against Pearl’s breast and licked up to her neck as she trailed fingers down Pearl’s abdomen to her lower belly and pressed down. 

“I know it’s something down here. I can feel it, too,” Jasper whispered against Pearl’s ear. “ _Tell me_.”

Pearl wrapped her arms around Jasper’s neck and tugged her close. “Okay,” she said with a slight waver. “Start by just sliding your finger between my legs, and- and you can just explore for a moment.” 

Jasper obeyed and carefully traced her hand down, then let her middle finger dip between Pearl’s legs. It was scorching hot and incredibly slippery. 

Pearl’s back arched and her breath caught, her hands grabbing a handful of fluffy hair at the base of Jasper’s head. 

“You’re so… wet,” Jasper said in awe as her finger traced up and down the line of Pearl’s cunt, feeling out every part, enjoying the velvety skin and silky petals that joined together and flared out at different points. Two more fingers joined the first and stroked over everything between Pearl’s legs, admiring how plush lips and smooth folds yielded to her. 

Near the top there was a little nub that felt swollen and almost a little stiff. She tried rubbing her finger against it and Pearl cried out, loud and breathy. Jasper quickly lifted her hand away, worried she had done something wrong. 

“Sorry,” she muttered. 

“Oh- no, Jasper it’s _good_ ,” Pearl said. “That’s called a clit and it’s where most of our nerves are, so it’s, mmh, very sensitive. Keep doing that, you’re doing so good.” 

Jasper pressed her face into the crook of Pearl’s neck, a smile at her lips. She put her hand back down and dragged her finger up Pearl’s clit again, then rubbed up and down, slow and firm. 

The way Pearl gasped and moaned, the way her body twisted and her hips bucked under Jasper’s hand, the way she tangled her hands in Jasper’s hair and murmured words of guidance and encouragement was all so addicting. Jasper would be happy if she could do this forever. 

The more she paid attention to Pearl’s reactions and took small directions for adjustment, the more she learned what was _really_ good. She started to feel confident. She held Pearl open with two fingers and circled her clit with the middle, alternating between heavier pressure and light teasing strokes, savoring every little twitch and noise she pulled from Pearl. 

Her reactions were getting more and more intense, and it got to the point where Pearl was tearing at the blankets under her and tossing her head this way and that. On a whim, Jasper propped herself up on an elbow and kissed Pearl with wild ferocity, bullying her way in with tongue and teeth, claiming all she could reach. Pearl whined into her mouth and twined their tongues together, wet and messy and hot. Her hands pulled at Jasper’s hair and she turned her head away to pant in urgent, whimpering breaths. 

“Jasper- good, _good_ ,” she groaned. “ _I’m gonna—_!”

All at once, Pearl’s body snapped into an arch and she shook and moaned louder than she had yet. Jasper could feel little pulses in Pearl’s clit as she rode out her high and finally took another gasping breath. 

“In- inside Jasper, please go inside,” she pleaded, her hips still twitching with aftershocks. 

Jasper had no idea what that meant and faltered. “Go- what?” 

“Ohh- oh, just slide your finger down and you’ll feel an opening, just push inside there, _please_ ,” Pearl said as she clutched Jasper’s forearm and tried to guide her downward. 

It seemed unreal that even more undiscovered places could be down there, but once she ran her finger down the middle with just the right amount of pressure, she felt what Pearl meant. An even hotter, slick entrance she could push further into. She hesitantly pressed the tip of her finger in first with an awkward wiggle, then slid all the way up to the knuckle with ease. Inside was smooth and plush and hugged her finger tight from every side. 

She experimented and dragged her finger in and out along pillowy walls, appreciating how inviting and soft it all was. There was a small rough patch on the upper side and a squishy bump at the very end when she was all the way in, and when she put gentle pressure to those places Pearl gasped and made noises even different from when Jasper had been rubbing her clit. 

A lopsided grin spread across her lips when she felt Pearl clench around her finger as she dragged it along that rough spot. It was as if she was trying to push her out and pull her further in at the same time. 

Pearl writhed against her hand and keened, her hips tilting up. “Jasper, more fingers,” she said breathlessly. 

Jasper looked at Pearl in shock, but she had an arm slung over her eyes, her face flushed a deep, vibrant blue. She leaned down to kiss Pearl’s cheek before pulling her middle finger out half way and nudging two more against Pearl’s entrance alongside it. 

She couldn’t help but worry they wouldn’t fit. Jasper’s hands were quite big as it was, and Pearl was _much_ smaller than her. But Pearl had asked, so she tried easing them in, squishing all three close together to try and make it as easy as possible. To her surprise, they glided in with hardly any more resistance than the first. 

Pearl’s mouth dropped open in a throaty groan and she pushed down against Jasper’s hand, trying to take as much as she could as fast as Jasper would give her. Jasper could feel her stretch around the width of her fingers, generous slick dripping down and coating her path. 

Curiosity burned as she made it all the way to her knuckles again, this time with three times the width. She curled her fingers to rub at the spot Pearl seemed to like and earned a jolt of hips and a ragged gasp. Jasper pressed a kiss to her collarbone before leaning up just enough to peek. She wanted to see. 

Sure enough, pale blue labia framed vivid orange fingers that disappeared into Pearl. A fresh line of heat seared between her thighs seeing herself buried in Pearl, everything about her so wet and appetizing. She pumped them in and out, her own breath quickening along with Pearl’s. 

It was intoxicating—the erotic wet suction noises as Jasper’s fingers plunged into Pearl’s cunt over and over, her unabashed moans and the trembles that wracked through her body, the way she squirmed and grabbed any part of Jasper she could reach. 

Smoky embers smoldered in Jasper’s belly and a low growl rumbled in her throat. All of it was making her mind hazy, her body hot all over, the place between her thighs ache so much it hurt. 

The way she moved with Pearl was natural, instinctive. She felt connected to her, in tune with how she felt, listening to the rhythm of her body with her own. She could feel Pearl winding up tighter, losing control, and in another deep, rough thrust, she fell apart for the second time. 

Jasper slid her arm under Pearl and tugged her to her chest, holding her close as she clenched around Jasper’s fingers in waves. Pearl’s fingers dug into Jasper’s arms and all she could manage were little squeaky breaths, until finally she melted into Jasper’s arms and let out satisfied, quavering hums. 

There was a moment of quiet and Jasper set Pearl back down and slowly slid her fingers out. Pearl was so relaxed now, a dreamy look in her eyes. It made a warmth bloom in Jasper’s chest that she was starting to get used to when she spent time with Pearl. 

Even in that moment of calm, Jasper felt a persistent tug in her belly, a throb between her legs that wouldn’t settle. She was frustrated and embarrassed by it, despite everything she’d just done with Pearl. She didn’t _need_ anything. She didn’t want to ask and she didn’t want Pearl to know she was burning up inside. 

It felt right to make Pearl feel good, it was satisfying, but thinking of wanting anything in return filled her with disgust. Of course she was curious, but she would never ask someone to touch her like that. 

Pearl shot upright with a gasp and yanked Jasper’s shoulder straps. “ _Jasper!_ ” 

“What?” she asked, worried she might have done something wrong. 

“Oh my stars, just look at you—you’re fully clothed!” she exclaimed. “I got so carried away and I- no one has swept me away like that in as long as I can remember.” 

Pearl pushed down on Jasper’s shoulders, guiding her to the floor. Jasper’s heart raced and feelings of anticipation and nervousness mixed together into her lust. 

“So rude of me, and on your first time no less,” Pearl tutted as she ran her hands across Jasper’s collarbone to her shoulders. She faltered and placed a tender hand on Jasper’s cheek. “Can I take care of you?” 

All the things Jasper had just experienced, the places she touched and everything she saw, replayed in her mind and she had to bite down a pitiful whimper at just the _thought_ of Pearl doing all that to her. 

The ache was getting unbearable, and while she couldn’t dare ask, Pearl _offered_. And stars, Pearl was so pretty looking at her like that. Such a kind smile and affectionate eyes, her hair tousled and her gem sparkling in the low light. 

“You- you don’t have to,” Jasper muttered, her self-doubt and anxiety still clinging to her last threads of resolve. “I’m also not, y’know. I’m not pretty like you.” 

Pearl sighed and cupped Jasper’s face. “Oh, Jasper, don’t you know? I’ve _always_ wanted to, since I first came here to visit. I’ve been waiting to.” Her expression became stern as she pinched Jasper’s cheeks and pulled them around in a teasing way. “And none of that! What did I tell you? No self-depreciating. I find you absolutely irresistible.”

Jasper felt heat creep into her cheeks and squirmed under Pearl’s gaze. She didn’t want to admit it, but hearing that did help. 

Pearl flung a leg over Jasper’s waist and leaned forward to press the side of her face to Jasper’s. Delicate fingers hooked under her shoulder straps and tugged them down part way. 

“Let me show you how much I want you,” she purred at Jasper’s ear. “Take this off for me.”

Her words electrified Jasper, sent sparks down her spine and fueled the intense ache she couldn’t ignore. She shivered and nodded vigorously, willing her uniform away in a shimmer of light. The air was cool on her feverish skin, and she became hyper-aware of the fact that she had never been naked in front of anyone before. 

Pearl sat up and Jasper could feel the slick heat of her labia pressed against her waist. She squeezed her thighs together as another pang drove her that much further into her desperate state. At the same time, stubborn feelings of self-consciousness distracted her. 

Starry blue eyes raked down her form and it was humiliating, but something about the way Pearl blushed and hummed and traced her fingers over Jasper’s skin as if it was a rare treat made the humiliation _good_. 

“Stars,” Pearl murmured as her hands followed the curve of her breasts and squeezed them from underneath. “You are gorgeous.” 

Practiced fingers massaging her chest made a shaky huff escape, and before she had time to process anything else, Pearl’s mouth was at her nipple, sucking and twirling it around her tongue. A ragged gasp was torn from her throat and her back arched forward. 

Pearl wasn’t touching her anywhere below the waist, but it felt as if she had squeezed everything between Jasper’s thighs when she played with her like that. She switched sides and looked up at Jasper with half-lidded eyes, pulling away with a wet pop. A strand of saliva connected her sultry smile to Jasper, and another throb deep in Jasper’s cunt made her voice tremble in a needy groan.

She thought she might go crazy, turn into a broken, incoherent mess before Pearl had even gotten to the place where she needed touch the most. 

“I love the way you sound,” Pearl said, low and husky. 

Jasper scrubbed hands up her burning face. “ _Pearl,_ ” she complained. 

Soft lips met her own, and she could feel Pearl’s smile and light giggle. Her laugh was infectious and Jasper couldn’t help her own rumbling chuckle in return. 

Pearl pulled away only to pepper kisses all over Jasper’s face—her cheeks, her jaw, her chin, her forehead, and finally, her gem. The moment a kiss was placed to the top of her gem, all of her nerves came to life and crackled like fireworks across a night sky, lighting her up and making her body tingle in delight. 

A strange mix between a laugh and a moan tumbled out as she shivered from the kiss. She didn’t have even a moment to pull herself back together before slender fingers slipped in between her outer lips and teased her clit with a smooth, firm stroke. Jasper’s eyes snapped back open and she heard herself yelp as she instinctively gripped a handful of blanket. 

“Oops, too much?” Pearl asked with genuine concern. 

“Fu-uck,” she whimpered. It was good, but it did feel too intense. “It’s- a lot,” she huffed. 

“Don’t worry, I’ve got you.” Pearl’s fingers shifted and she rubbed the sides instead, gentle and easy. “How’s that?” 

A soft “ohh” left Jasper’s lips as the slight adjustment changed everything. Instead of a sharp, intense sensation it was slow and smooth. She could tell just how wet she’d become by the way Pearl’s inner fingers moved in frictionless strokes and the ones resting on her outer lips slid effortlessly with them. 

Her body melted into the attention and she felt her hips naturally move with Pearl’s hand, up and down and in little circles. All of her focus shifted to that warm flame Pearl was coaxing inside her with gliding fingers, gradually building into something more. 

Pearl kissed her stomach and her breasts and her fingers dipped low, then dragged back up. In that moment Jasper felt her cunt clench and she knew what she wanted, as good as the steady circles to her clit felt. 

“In- inside, Pearl,” she huffed, twisting her hips to try and angle them right. 

Pearl smiled against her side and slid back down. Jasper wasn’t sure how many fingers she used, but it didn’t matter because they were pushing in, slow and unwavering and everything she wanted. A whine was torn from her throat that didn’t even sound like her as she felt the most incredible stretch. Pearl’s slender hand filled her up and it was as if it was what she’d been missing her whole life. 

Then somewhere deep inside, those fingers started moving in a precise beckoning motion, dragging over places she could never have imagined would feel so good. The low heat in her belly roared into bursts of white hot flames every time Pearl crooked her fingers in that perfect way. It was all building up into something she couldn’t contain, something that made her jerk and twist and howl like an animal. 

Amidst the satisfying fullness and dizzying inner strokes, she felt Pearl move away from her side and settle between her legs. Jasper was about to ask what she was doing before she looked down just in time to see Pearl lower her head and felt exactly what. 

Her hips bucked and her hands scrabbled against piles of blankets as slippery, wet heat surrounded her clit. There was pressure and suction and maybe even a hint of teeth, and those fingers never stopped moving inside her as this new overwhelming feeling of being devoured claimed every part of her consciousness. 

She could barely make more than choked off, rasping squeaks as she panted and gasped, finally coming closer and closer to the edge. Then in a split second with everything aligning just right, the dam broke. 

Everything rushed over her at once and her cunt spasmed around Pearl’s fingers, liquid gushing out in powerful pulses. She distantly registered her own broken, overcome voice strained in a throaty moans, and the shudders that made her whole body quake. 

Finally the intensity eased and Pearl lifted her head, her chin and cheeks covered in saliva and slick. Her fingers were still inside but had stopped moving, and even though Jasper just came, she still didn’t feel quite _done_. 

“Wait, don’t,” she stuttered between shaky breaths. “Don’t stop- _more_ , I want more inside.” 

Pearl grinned and started moving her hand differently, thrusting her fingers in and out, her knuckles stretching Jasper just right as they squeezed past her entrance. 

“You just tell me when,” she said. 

Jasper nodded and squeezed her eyes shut as Pearl continued pushing into her, as deep as she could take. She braced her feet against the floor and writhed her hips to try me get as much in as possible. It didn’t fill her with the same urgent sparks as before, but instead felt like a deep, hungry need being fulfilled. 

She huffed and ground down against Pearl, a little “ah” escaping each time that sweet blunt press met the very end of her cunt. And then the knot that had tightened back up in her belly pulled free again and she tossed her head back with a guttural groan, her inner walls clenching and squeezing against what was inside. 

“Okay- okay, okay,” she rasped, finally feeling satisfied. 

Pearl carefully drew her hand out, and Jasper let out a shaky sigh at the slight tug. 

Then odd little giggles bubbled up in her chest. She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes and felt they were damp. Was she crying? She wasn’t sad, but it felt like tears. 

Pearl sat at Jasper’s side and placed a hand to her chest. “Are you alright?” 

“Yeah, I- yes,” Jasper said with a slight wobble in her voice. “I dunno why- I feel really good. It’s just happening.”

Pearl clicked her tongue and gently pulled Jasper’s hands from her eyes. Her smile was as warm as spring and she gazed at Jasper like she was everything that mattered in the world. A few more tears fell from the corners of Jasper’s eyes and Pearl wiped them away with the back of her hand. 

“It’s a very intense and emotional bonding experience. Some gems just do, and I think it’s very sweet.”

Jasper wasn’t sure how she felt about being called sweet until Pearl’s lips met hers in an even sweeter kiss. 

Pearl was the sun melting away cold winter snow, a breeze rustling through the leaves of a rooted stubborn tree, she was change and growth and happiness where Jasper never could have expected it. 

Maybe it was okay to be sweet. Maybe it was okay to be different. And maybe, after thousands of years of uncertainty, she had finally found a piece of who she wanted to be. 


End file.
